Evolving Plans

Guatemala City, Guatemala

Guatemala has been laying heavily on my heart lately. There hasn’t been a single day where I haven’t thought/daydreamed/fantasized about it.

There is such a strong pull on my heart to go this October on a medical missions trip. I already know that there are direct flights from Indianapolis to Guatemala City, costs of the trip, and all of the logistics. There are still plenty of questions plaguing me though.

Am I truly ready? More importantly, is my heart truly ready? I’m not sure why God has placed it on me to go, or why it feels so desperately urgent in my life right now. I’ve been thinking about it for so long. Am I wrong for wasting time thinking about it (inventing reasons to postpone….is what it feels like) instead of just jumping on the opportunity and committing? Recent issues have put a slight squeeze on my would-be funding, as well as other opportunities that are influencing my husband and I.

I’m not sure. I want so desperately to be able to go. I have not yet put the thought into my mind that I’m not going. I know in my heart that a trip of that magnitude for that specific cause is going to change me forever. The thought of having my life changed is much more exciting than it is scary; I can’t imagine how it (is/will be) to come home and have running water, electricity, and other everyday ‘necessities’ at home after going on a trip like that. I don’t see how a trip like that couldn’t change your entire perspective on life. That is one of several reasons I want to be apart of such an experience: to use my own two hands to further God’s will, to help people in dire poverty, to show people that they are loved.

What I have learned, though, is that this trip is a planned, annual occurrence, and I’ve made a good contact so I can stay in the loop, long-term, if this coming October doesn’t pan out.

Only time will tell, I suppose. For now, it feels like every day that goes by is one more day closer to the opportunity being out of reach.

I am not sure if God is giving me these roadblocks as a way to strengthen my faith to just go, or if they are His way of saying “No”, yet again. I’m just not sure, and I hate not being sure! This is definitely a struggle, and definitely one that I need help with.

And let me tell you, this has been a week of “No”s. I’m used to having to change plans, but this week has been insane, and very disappointing. There have been some good things this week: my NICU ethics manuscript is almost ready to go to the journal! One little step toward eventually doing what I want to do, improving health care, especially for our smallest (and sometimes, sickest) patients.

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