Conflicted

I’m fairly certain that my boss’ goal for today was to make me cry. He did not succeed, but now I realize how much I’m going to miss this place.

Mentally, I was not “at work” today. Surprisingly, I hadn’t forgotten everything since we left on vacation. Falling back into the routine was almost too easy. And I think that was part of the problem. I’m leaving behind a lab job and co-workers that I love, after such a hard fight to get here. It’s so easy to be in this role, to keep going along with the routine. There are so many unknowns with moving to a new state and starting at a new school. And there’s always the possibility that I won’t like it, I won’t make friends, or maybe I won’t survive the semester.

Where did all of my time go? I thought I had more time.

Buddha quote

I feel like I’ve come home and I have no idea what I’m doing in the fall. Genetics, what? Biochemistry, what? Anatomy… are you serious? Can’t I just go get lost in the woods today?

With my Type A personality, I fully intend on making the most out of it, having a strategy and a game-plan right out of the gate… which sounds wonderful, right? But how long before burnout sets in, all I want to do is sleep, and what I really need is a friendly face that KNOWS ME? The classmates that I’ve met, so far, either in person on Second Look Day or in the Facebook group, seem like a bunch of brilliant, talented, friendly, driven people–so I’m sure we’ll all get along just fine, but no one really knows me yet. I just hope that they will accept me, flaws and quirks and all, the same way I accept them. It’s exciting, but also a bit nerve-wracking. I feel like a kid on the first day of school all over again, praying for it all to be okay, that I won’t be the only one sitting alone on the bus or in the bleachers. Surely I’m too old to feel like that?

And then, right on cue, a dear friend of mine emailed me with a little diagram, and I love it! But at the same time, I could feel tears welling up, because I miss being home and seeing everyone. Because now, this finally feels real. We have a place to live, things are being boxed up to move, our move-out date is quickly approaching.

I read today a quote that said, “Familiarity has a big draw that can really cripple a person.” This is so true. Wanting familiarity would keep me here, obstruct me from going on new adventures.

I put off thinking about anything school-related for the entire trip; which I think did me a boatload of good (or at least, good for my mental health). But now it’s time to focus, and I just do not want to right now. Which scares me, because this monster is about to start and once we start, there is no going back.

Some day, maybe even school will feel like home, once I get to know some people and settle in for the long hall. I don’t think it would be so bad if David were going with me too. Maybe I just need to be thrown overboard to see if I swim or sink.

Of course, this lovely gift was waiting for me at home. I’m being crushed by my girly emotions today.

DMU gift

I think a Grey’s Anatomy marathon is what I need tonight.

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