“I’m Going On an Adventure!”

I love the scene from The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey where Bilbo has made his final decision to go on the perilous journey, and he completely throws himself into it with nothing less than pure optimism. I love it so much that I have decided this is how I am going to approach the first few weeks of Orientation and Class. Excitement, hope, and not even the hint of trouble or stress. Which is probably why I’m so jittery right now. Tomorrow, I will sit in on my first medical school class–and I will have officially begun.

One of my big issues is thinking positively. So, my goal for the first day is: Do not cry. My goal for the second day is: Do not cry. (Do you see a pattern?) This trend continues, and my goal for the entire first week is: Do not cry. If I can manage that, I think I will be just fine. For the first week, anyway. 😉 I’ve heard from several other medical students that crying was definitely involved during the first semester, so I am going to try my best to not feel that overwhelmed this week. It’s a marathon and not a sprint, right?

I wish I could say that we’re all moved in, Internet is installed, and I have a freezer full of meals so I don’t have to cook. That wound up not being the case. But, my backpack is packed. Books are in the bookcase. My “first day of school” outfit is laid out. I’ve at least skimmed the first week’s worth of material. My notes are printed, my anatomy lab garb is ready, and I made a surprise for my unit labmates. I’m still mulling over the research assistant position opportunity. I’m still excited but still extremely nervous about the first day, first patient, and first dissection this week.

My hopes:
To make friends
To have some fun
To finally study all those things I’ve always wanted to study
To continue research work, bench/clinical/ethical
To get involved and “be someone” on campus
To excel in classes
To be happy as a student
To make this place (the new place and the school) home

My fears:
I’ll wonder why they accepted me
Maybe I can’t handle it
That I’ll freak out/get sick in Gross Anatomy lab
I won’t make friends
LOANS
That I’m too old for this
That I’ve forgotten how to learn/study/memorize
That I’ll get fat from sitting on my behind studying all day
That I’ll lose touch with friends/family
That David will not be happy with me, with all the time this new venture will suck away from me
That my worrying tendencies will get the better of me

Admittedly, I have trouble with wanting to be “on top of things” too much. I like being involved, so I tend to take on responsibilities and sacrifice “me” time… but I’m good at it (or at least, I have been in the past). Hence the self-proclaimed nickname of the Queen of “And” (“I do this… and this…and this… oh yeah, and this…”) Once, in grad school, I missed a meeting–the only one I’ve ever missed, ever–because I thought it was the following week instead of the current week…and I’ll never forget what one of my friends said. “Well at least now we know you’re human, because you just don’t do stuff like that.” (Gee, thanks.) So one of my goals is to be involved, but to not be too involved… because landing my dream residency is my ultimate goal. That’s what I’m here for, that’s why I’ve taken on so much student loan debt… to get the job I want, so that I can help people, feel fulfilled in my work, to pay off my loans, and to be a competent, compassionate physician–the whole reason I’m here to begin with. So I’m not trying to overmaster myself with “and’s”. I hope I can be organized and keep it all together. I hope I still get to sleep, occasionally. I really hope that, somehow, I can find a way to be a badass at this med student thing, all while still being a good wife.

This is, by far, the least prepared I have ever felt for the beginning of a semester. I’m sure that in a few days it won’t make one bit of difference, but I’m sure nervous about tomorrow. I have so many hopes that I’d like to fulfill this year, but right now I just want to get through the first day.

So for now, I’ll rest up and hope for a good first day tomorrow. Wish me luck!

I’m going on an adventure!

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