Uncertainty

Today was our second histology exam.

For some reason, they’ve taken it relatively easy on us before this exam. I had, more or less, 5 days to study for this exam with minimal class or extracurricular commitments. I was going to rock this exam!

But… there have been some issues. Non-school-related issues, that have kept my mind preoccupied for most of those days, and I found myself with just yesterday to devote to studying. My mind has not been in any way, shape or form ready to sit down and concentrate. I couldn’t even focus on the one day–the one FULL day!–that I had nothing to do but study.

And this is the awful little side effect of such things: I feel like I can’t do this. That I’m going to fail. That my school made a mistake by offering me a seat in the class when I can’t even be a good student and study. Even the fear of failing and being dismissed (which I don’t think they’d do over one exam anyway, but, irrational fears come from stress, right?) was not enough to motivate me. I just could… not… study.

Until this morning. I got more studying done in 5 hours this morning than I did in all of the other 5 days I had to study. And I still thoroughly smashed the exam, and left school doing my happy dance.

I can do this. I CAN do this.

And the side effect of this is that now, I feel like I can do anything. That I can be a badass in my own way. That these plans and these hopes and these dreams may be just within my reach after all.

One day at a time. Which means that now, after having a reprieve from the exam, I can now work on my presentation (that I give tomorrow) and catch up in anatomy and embryology. Just keep swimming.

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