Full Disclosure

I love being a mom in med school. It’s not easy. Lots of people have told me that they are proud of me for making all of these facets of my life work together so smoothly. But that’s not always the case…. far from it. So here’s my full disclosure.

Yesterday, our little Ladybug got sick at daycare. Kids get sick, not a big deal, right?

Since third year has started, I’ve had a really hard time balancing working + studying + “me” time + husband time + baby time + family time….. a really hard time. I’m behind in studying. I’m behind in UWorld questions. We still aren’t fully unpacked yet. I have a mountain of stuff to donate/sell/trash since we are downsizing (basically because I don’t want to move all of this stuff again when we move for residency). And no energy to do any of those things once I get home. It doesn’t help that we won’t have wifi until this coming weekend–and I wasn’t going to watch a 3 hour Tegrity over how to work AllScripts over my phone’s hotspot. All of these things have been weighing on me, even if I haven’t really been thinking about it.

Yesterday after getting out of my rotation, I really wanted to knock out some work and catch up a bit. So naturally, the Ladybug got sick. When we got home, we cuddled on the couch. And we watched Despicable Me 2 for the millionth time (it’s her favorite movie… she adores the Minions). My plans were derailed, I was disappointed that I couldn’t get much done, but everything was just fine.

Today we also had clinic after seeing our inpatients, so I got home a lot later than I usually have so far into this rotation. The Ladybug is still having belly issues so she is taking a nap. My first thought: I should study! My second thought: I could take a nap! My third thought: I could veg out and watch a movie and do whatever I want to do!

What really happens? A mix of things. Last night I held her while the movie played, and I read a few cases out of Case Files: Internal Medicine. Once she finally went to sleep, I spent the night in her room on the inflatable bed (not my favorite way to sleep, but she needed me and I wanted to be close)–I had no more energy to study, and I could barely keep my eyes open. We ran late this morning getting to daycare but I still managed to preround and be prepared for work rounds with my attending (who forgot to tell me we also had clinic this afternoon). She had a good day at daycare, didn’t eat much, and fell asleep on the way home.

Now, I am using my ten minutes of “me” time to write this blog post while I eat dinner. I hope to get a few cases knocked out before Ladybug’s nap is over, because I know she will want more cuddle time (totally fine by me!). I feel like a bad student because I am so far behind in my goals for studying and knocking out cases, but my daughter needed me and of course I was going to be there for her.

There are a lot of times where I feel like I’m not good at anything…. that I’m not a good mom, a good wife, med student, etc. It probably happens at least once a day. I still have not prepped freezer meals so I can enjoy family time when I get home. I still have yet to make it to the gym this week. Last year, I was almost sick over whether or not I should take a leave of absence for the first year of my daughter’s life because I didn’t think I could handle everything, all at once, and still be functional and sane. Personally, I feel like I would be a happier, better person/friend/wife/mom if I could get a 5 minute neck and foot rub every day. However, I am so glad that I didn’t postpone my education for a year, and I am ever so thankful that we decided to try for a family three years before we had originally thought. She’s made life so much fuller and richer in ways I had never expected–I really thought that when people told me how much babies change your life was just a bunch of blah, blah, blah…. but they were right. It isn’t always rosy, but most of the time it is pretty fun. I doubt myself all of the time. I don’t have my life put in order, not at all. But it’s a pretty happy life, even if I am behind in studying.

My ten minutes are up…. Back to working cases.

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